Children with ASD can place extra demands on a family unit, such as when an autistic child hates one parent.
This can be incredibly hard to deal with and also extremely sad for that parent.
In the below article we explore what may be behind this behaviour and what can be done.
Autism and preferring one parent
Raising any child is a journey filled with unique challenges and joys.
When a child is diagnosed with autism, these challenges can become more complex, and parents often find themselves navigating uncharted waters.
One common aspect that some parents may notice is their autistic child’s preference for one parent over the other.
While this preference can be puzzling and even disheartening, it’s essential to approach with patience and understanding.
Here are some reasons why your child may be acting in this way;
Routine and familiarity
Probably the most likely reason for this behaviour is down to routines and familiarity.
Autistic children often thrive on routine. They feel secure and safe when they know what to expect.
If one parent consistently provides a routine or structured environment, the child may naturally gravitate toward that parent for comfort.
Putting that into practical terms it may be for example that one parent stays at home whilst the other works.
This would mean that the stay at home parent would likely do the majority of the daytime care.
Mealtimes, commutes to school, trips to the park and alike all fall to one parent.
This parent then becomes a bit of a comfort blanket, reminding the child of predictability and security.
When it comes to the second party and when they perhaps go to give the child a meal, this is a break to the routine.
A break to a standard routine can cause distress.
Your child then may even go as far to associating distress with that second parent.
Communication and social comfort
As we all know, communication struggles is one of the most common aspects of autism.
Autistic kids can therfore develop distinct communication styles.
Some may struggle with verbal communication and prefer non-verbal forms of expression.
A child may feel more comfortable and understood by one parent who naturally aligns with their communication preferences.
In addition, autistic children may experience social interactions differently than neurotypical children.
They may struggle with understanding social cues and forming connections with others.
This can lead to a preference for the parent they feel most comfortable and secure with.
Both of these factors can combine into simply that they feel more comfortable with one parent.
They may feel that parent understands them, and they too understand that parent.
In a confusing and at times overwhelming world, having one person who understands your needs can be extremely comforting.
So when the second parent is involved, the child may not feel this same comfort.
Sadly this can lead to them rejecting the parent all together.
Sensory factors
Autistic children can be extremely sensitive to things like loud noises and strong smells.
These sensory sensitivities aren’t to be ruled out when it comes to preference of one parent.
For example it may be that the second parent drinks a lot of coffee, smokes or wears strong perfume/cologne.
These strong smells could be triggering for the child.
It may be that they are unable to express what it is they dislike, but they may associate that parent with undesirable sensory input.
Along the same vein, it may be that the second parent is particularly loud (or quiet!) and that may form part of a negative preference.
What can parents do
If your autistic child shows a preference for one parent, it’s important not to take it personally.
Remember that it’s not a reflection of your parenting abilities or love for your child.
Instead, consider it as a manifestation of their unique needs and preferences.
All that said, here are some tips for navigating this situation:
Open communication
Talk to your partner about your child’s preferences and work together.
This is to ensure that both parents have opportunities to bond and connect with the child.
A child not liking a parent can be extremely isolating for that person, so it is critical their feelings are considered.
Some parents in this position may shrug off the behaviour but deep down we’d be surprised if it wasn’t really upsetting.
Be patient
Understand that your child’s preferences may change over time. Once an autistic child has a particular preference ingrained, it can be tough to break.
Be patient and flexible in your approach to parenting.
Try to understand why
Establishing what the reasons are for the preference is crucial.
It may be related to some of the suggestions above or it may be something different all together.
Your first step would be to observe and learn, looking for telltale signs of reasons.
Once you are armed with the reasons, set about a joint plan to address them.
It could be for example that the second parent has to change their communication style, or the way they present meals.
Whatever it is, take gradual steps to make change.
Don’t force it
It may be tempting to try and force some affection into your child. This could involve the less preferred parent taking over all responsibilities for a set period.
Whilst this could work it is a risky tactic.
Your child will likely become distressed at the immediate breaks to routine. They then could really link the distress with this particular parent.
Gradual steps of exposure are probably more likely to have the desired effect.
Summary – Autistic child hates one parent
While it can be challenging for parents when an autistic child shows a preference for one parent, it’s essential to approach this situation with patience and understanding.
Remember that every child with autism is unique, and their preferences are a result of their individual needs.
By working together as parents and seeking support when needed, you can create a loving environment for your child’s relationships to thrive.
